I'm Back, I'm Back

.

You're so unemotional, it's like you have a penis - Teetz

Thanks Teetz.

Those of you who have known me for my entire college career and this time after know there is a very noticeable difference in the person I was my first two years, compared to now. I even posted about this before, when my grandpa said something about how I was so independent, and different than I am now. I also said how I missed that girl and wished I could find her again. Well, lucky you, I finally did. It took a long conversation with an unlikely source, given how little I actually know him, for me to wake up and be me again. It also helped that I had a similar conversation about the same thing with Ken last night on MSN. Even Ken was like, "We missed you, welcome back". You see, the girl before Adam and the girl before Drake, well, she was kind of a bitch, she was very opinionated, and she was definitely mean. But she didn't have emotions. Somehow when I started dating Adam I was turned into this huge clump of girl who was emotional and cried all the time and it drove me nuts. Those of you who've been around for the aftermath of Hurricane Drake saw the same thing: Crying, moping, utterly depressed, blah blah blah.

But no more.

I am not naive, and I am not nearly so sweet and innocent as some perceive me to be. The girl before Adam didn't have much emotional attachment to anything, really, except of course for her friends. That's all she needed. Guys were inconsequential. Not that she didn't like them or want them, because she did like them and did want them, she just didn't get attached to them, or should I say, she didn't get attached to him. It was just something that happened and it was fun. But then the boyfriend thing started and that girl CRIED ALL THE TIME. I hate crying when it's someone else making me do it. No one should have the power to make me feel that strongly except me, unless I really want them to. Yet there I was crying about Adam, then nine months later I started dating Drake, and a year after that I cried a lot more than I have ever cried in my life. But I shouldn't have. For a while maybe, because it is a time of mourning, in a sense, for something I had lost, but still.

Due to recent completely unplanned but not unwelcome events, I have realized that the old Sarah, the crazy-mean-detached-apathetic-entirely-too-bitchy-but-totally-honest Sarah who doesn't let people get to her is just waiting to get out. Think of it kind of like Jean Grey/Dark Phoenix, without me killing people, and you kinda get what I am saying. It's very liberating. I am quite happy again. Granted, the bitchiness never really went away, it was just a lot more censored in the last two and a half years.

This isn't to say that there won't be bad days down the road, but I somehow have a feeling that they will be much fewer and far between than recently where I was so upset I stopped eating for a week and lost another ten pounds. Eff that noise. Do not take this to mean I don't love Drake anymore. I do, and I know I always will. He is The One, and even though we're over, he's always going to have a huge chunk of my heart. But I am done crying.

Mostly.

This also does not mean that I am just going to run around and have random sex with random guys, because that's gross and I like not being a whore. I still would never just meet some guy in a bar and hook-up in the bathroom, ew. I still would never date a guy that is completely unknown to me, he mostly would still probably at least have to be a friend of a friend and such. I'm just saying I'm not losing sleep over it because you have to move on at some point, and this is Sarah, moving on, being Sarah again.

Mostly I am just happy that I can be me again and I don't have to worry about being so nice and sweet and not pissing people off. Basically, I don't have to take shit from anyone, I am done with that. I took a lot of shit from some people in the last couple years and that is done. I do what I want, finally. I just wish it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure this out.